Zumba...You're Fucking Kidding Me!

Those of you who know me understand I have little patience for fads. In the health and fitness arena we appear predisposed to more than our fair share of one hit wonders, fads and lunatic crazes. One only has to view late night infomercials to see a plethora of ridiculous gym contraptions making even more ridiculous promises. By the way it always amazes me that in the US regulators crack down heavily on supplement label claims on the label but you can make any claim you like in relation to the efficacy of gym equipment like "ab blasters, ab swings etc".

Now it is my fervent belief that fitness fads are driven by 2 fundamental assertions namely:
1) 90% of people are lazy
2) 90% of people are stupid
Therefore brothers/sisters of the iron I contend then that a high proportion of the population that wants to get "fit" are too lazy to actually do the hard yards (squat, bench, deadlift and eat really clean) and too stupid to question the wisdom of a fads that promise great results. Thus we have the emergence of Zumba.

How this ridiculous dance craze came to be I do not know but based on the recent media saturation it is the current fitness craze of choice for the idiot set. So for the lucky few who haven't heard of Zumba, basically some latin numb-nut decided to carve his own little money spinner by combining Latin/world music with dance moves in an aerobic type class. So how is it different to aerobics...IT ISNT... its just the same pointless activity with a different soundtrack and tricked up moves.

Now how to spot the fad. Firstly heres an example of the questionable material coming out of various reviews of ZUMBA:

"Zumba toning blends body sculpting techniques...into calorie burning, strength training classes" Ok what the fuck is body sculpting you either gain muscle or you dont and the repetition of a singular body weight over time will not elicit strength changes and therefore not produce a significant adaptation other than to allow you to do more dancing. Will it build muscle NO, will it burn calories YES...how many maybe the equivalent of a 300g potato (400 calories) . So are you happy, given the finite time you have in this busy life to spend an hour burning the equivalent of 1 potato a session to achieve a result that will in no way resemble the skinny latin instructors you are trying to emulate.

Oh and dont someone write in to say I was this heavy and I did it for x amount of time and I lost all this weight.... horseshit!! If you did, then you my friend are the out-lier, the single individual on the extreme of the bell curve who would have had a better result had you had undertaken an intelligently scoped strength training regime.

What really amazes me are the articles that pander to the stupid. The review I am reading by Maya Anderson of the West Australian newspaper talks about the dance moves being "sometimes silly, easy to pick up and fun (now get this) with lots of hip movements butt shakeing and shimmying" which says in brackets is great for your core!!!! Hear that professional athletes, forget squatting deadlifting, glute ham raises etc all you need to do is bounce up and down on the spot to Latin music and hey presto a strong core!!

God can the general public be that stupid? Unfortunately the answer is a resounding yes and there is no greater evidence than the existence of "Zumba sticks". You will have to be patient because I am throwing up a little in my mouth as I explain this.  Zumba sticks are macarana type mini dumbells that vibrate as you hold them. The completely questionable suggestions are that this somehow helps burn calories and build strength. So, fixed weight vibrating dumbells are usefull huh....hmmm somewhere in Arlington Texas Ronnie Coleman has woken up screaming!!

I have also noticed that the hook that really traps the masses is the contention that it is fun..not awful hard boring training. Hmmm how great is that. I must remind my local football team that they can get rid of their highly periodised pre-season "difficult boring" routine and just take up Zumba.

So to recap let me be very clear. If your goal is to change your physique to look more athletic and muscular in the shortest possible time then you need to weight train intelligently on brief basic full body routines with a clean diet. If however you are bored of online dating, generally lazy, have the attention span of a goldfish and love Latin music then sign up for as many Zumba classes as you can. Oh and perhaps shove one of those Zumba sticks in your mouth while your at it, its about the only way Zumba sticks could assist with calorie restriction!

What I find most troubling about Zumba is it perpetuates the myth that traditional training that is hard and painful is to be avoided. Bottom line the average body prefers homeostasis and therefore requires a herculean effort to change. This should be embraced as those of you out there involved in old school training know there is no greater satisfaction than a hard session in the gym with the unforgiving Iron.

My parents generation knew the value of hard work and that anything gained with ease was often not the panacea it was purported to be. While my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek the advent of fads like Zumba diminish us all.

Thomo